When it comes to finding a friends with benefits, hooking up or finding a fuck buddy, there is a natural hesitancy that can occur. Adult dating, like any dating, has its pitfalls and traps. Sometimes you meet someone, and they like you but you don’t like them. Sometimes you like them but the feeling is not returned. Sometimes you sleep with someone and are keen on a second meeting, but they are not up for it. Regardless, all of these experiences can breed insecurity, cause the hurt of rejection and cultivate internal fear. Some people (wrongly) think that just because they have a friends with benefits or a no strings attached relationship, the usual hurt of rejection does not occur. This is simply not true. You can feel just as rejected from someone you are only interested in sleeping with as someone you want to marry and have kids with. The hurt can be the same, and that can lead to fear. So, what is the issue with this?
Fear can cause inaction. It can make you hesitate when you would otherwise move or act. It can cause you to question or doubt yourself, and that doubt can result in you failing to take steps that would better your life, would make you happier. This is very true when it comes to adult dating. Hitting on someone is always hard, and if you get all up “in your head” that can become even harder. This can also lead to missed opportunities and missed windows. Once a moment passes it never returns, so you have to take it when it is there. How can you help yourself to overcome fear and not lose out on a potential interaction that would otherwise be yours? There is a simple rule. Always go on amber, never wait for green.
Our, very reasonable, instinct, is to wait till we have the green light to move on someone. By move, that could be anything from giving them that first touch on the arm, to kissing them, to inviting them back to yours for a coffee (at 2am in the morning when all parties understand there will be no coffee drunk!). However, fear will hold you back… so don’t wait to be sure, because you will never be sure. Go on amber when you think it is probably there but you are not certain. Ask that person if they are interested in being a friend with benefits prior to being sure that they will say yes. The move also shows confidence and bravery, which is an attractive trait and may make them more likely to say yes.
So go on amber, you might still be rejected but better that, than to have not acted at all.